Peanut butter is awesome. You know it. I know it. We all know it.
If anyone tells you otherwise, cut them from your circle of contact. You just don’t need that negativity in your life.
Whether it’s on toast, mixed into porridge, spread over a bagel, or just straight up out of the tub and off a spoon, you’re in for a good time.
Im a self confessed peanut butter addict. I love the stuff! Hell I even started a video review series looking at the good, the bad, and the best nut butters.
You don’t have to be a bodybuilder, fitness buff or nutritional perfectionist to enjoy peanut butters. Sure, its part of many gym-goers diets, but it’s also a food enjoyed my millions across the globe. It’s one of the fondest foods I remember from my child hood.
You might like peanut butter, but are you a peanut butter addict? Take a look at the following signs to find out if you are.
1 – Your Idea of a Serving Of Peanut Butter Is Not the Recommended Serving Size
You disregard the recommended serving size, in favour of your own. That 32g that is recommended on the bag of your tub? That’s the equivilant of giving 1 paracetemol to a child.
You’re a grown person and need an adult serving of peanut butter!
Your idea of 1 serving is a heaped spoonful. So heaped that you need to rotate the spoon so quickly that the excess peanut butter can’t fall back into the tub.
You proceed to spread that over your bread, but notice it isn’t quite enough to ensure that the full slice is covered in an inch of the gooey-goodness.
So you plunge back into the tub, heaping your spoon once more to completely cover the bread.
When you’re happy with your inch thick slide of peanut butter bread, you scrape the rest of the tub to ensure that the remained is even.
What ever you needed to take out of the tub you have straight off the spoon.
That, ladies & gentleman. Is 1 serving.
(Your heart then sinks the next time you open the tub and see how much is missing)
2 – You Have a Peanut Butter Stash
Some folk have a wine cooler. Some have an area in the cupboard for tinned goods. You might have a section of the kitchen saved for biscuits & chocolates.
Any peanut butter addict will have their own Peanut Butter stash. This might be a cupboard full, a drawer that you struggle to open and close because its jam packed with tubs, or it could just be a stash you keep under your bed.
No matter what it is, you need copious amounts of it on deck, and no amount is ever too much.
3 – You Try to Spread it Over Everything
You’re not content with a peanut butter sandwhich. Slice of toast or bagel covered in peanut butter. You won’t even stop at a slither over a rice cake.
You eat something, and wonder what it would be like with peanut butter spread over it.
From pancakes, to waffles. Fruit, to meats. You have to at least try and spread it over to see what its like.
People look at you as if you’re not right in the head. You look at them, with no fucks given.
4 – You Sometimes Class it as a Meal
You see your colleagues or class mates pulling out a bag of crisps, or piece of fruit to tie them over from breakfast till lunch.
For you, this is meal 2. Lodged firmly in between meal 1, and meal 3, meal 2 is easy to prepare, quick and convenient.
Simply pull out your tub of peanut butter, unscrew the lid, and dig your spoon in. The deeper the better.
5 – You Can’t Stop Yourself Eating More When Peanut Butter Mouth Roof Syndrome Sets In
So yea, incase you didn’t know. That’s an actual thing. Peanut Butter Mouth Roof Syndrome is when you eat so much peanut butter, so quickly, that is clings to the roof of your mouth.
You struggle to open your mouth wide, as if you were trying to rise up from a never ending quick sand pulling you down to the deepest depths. You feel the sweat beads quickly formulate on your hairline, drip down to your forehead and against your cheek.
When all looks like the end is near… you suddenly catch a gasp of air. Your panic is over, just as quick as it set in. You no longer feel like you’re suffocating in a peanut butter induced episode.
Just as quickly as you inhale freshest breath of air you’ve ever tasted in your life, your spoon is already piled high with another serving of peanut butter, and making its way to your mouth.
6 – The Peanut Butter Coma is Real
You’ve experienced it countless times. More than you can count. More than you can remember. More than you would dare to admit to anyone other than yourself. You don’t even want to admit it to yourself!
But at the start of each peanut butter binge, you disregard it. Throwing caution to the wind. Blocking it from your conscience. You even forget there is such a thing as the peanut butter coma.
Then, 5 minutes after you’ve smashed through half a tub of plowing it into your mouth, it jumps up on you like that un-expected, but totally predictable weekly visit from your in-laws.
The Peanut Butter Coma hits. You don’t want to stand. You don’t want to talk. Heck you don’t even want to think. You want to just sit, chill, and let the last couple thousand calories you’ve ingested settle. You just revel in it.
7 – You Can’t Help But Try Everything Peanut Butter Flavoured
From ice cream, to chocolate. Protein powders (impact whey is one of my favourites), energy bars, Peanut Butter flavoured cookie’s and anything with a peanut butter flavoured filling, you’ve got to try it.
A food you’d normally never eat, try, and perhaps don’t even like is made to sound like baby Jesus wearing a santa costume on Christmas morning.
99% of the time, the food you’ve just tried was a disappointment, you slate it for even daring to use peanut butter in its advertising, before reaching for your nearest tub of proper peanut butter, and washing that taste out of your mouth with a few spoonfuls.
8 – Your Stash Expands To Peanut Butter Flavoured Snacks
Of the peanut butter flavoured foods that you try, and enjoy, you fill your cupboard with them. Not only do you have a section of your pantry dedicated to containing your tubs of peanut butter, you also have a section of peanut butter flavoured foods, snacks and treats.
True addicts display them ever-so-proudly.
9 – You Try Different Flavours
Not only do you love different brands of peanut butter, you love & need different flavours.
White chocolate, cinnamon & raisin, coconut, chocolate chip, cookie are just some of your favourites. Here are some of picks for the best nut butters.
10 – You Mix Your Own
Tasting your first flavoured peanut butter is liking opening Opening the doorway to Noah’s Ark & parking it at the Zoo. No number of flavours is too much. Infact, you can’t get enough you have to start mixing your own.
You begin with taking your regular peanut butter and adding in some kind of flavourings. This starts off with adding some food flavourings and sweeteners. It then moves onto adding whey protein powder, syrups, fruit and baking goods.
This quickly turns into buying your own nuts, blending them, and creating the Frankenstein of your nut butter stash. Everyone else will hate it, but you love it as if it were your baby.
11 – Ice Cream isn’t Ice Cream – Unless its Peanut Butter Flavour
Cookie Dough? Chocolate Chip Mint? Neopolitan?
These all sound like blasphemy when you’re picking an ice cream.
For you, ice cream isn’t ice cream unless its;
Peanut butter flavoured ice cream, containing peanut butter cups, covered in peanut butter flavoured sauce, topped with melted peanut butter, and covered with peanut butter flavoured toppings.
If you could eat it out of a peanut butter tub instead of a cone – you would.
12 – Peanut Butter Is Your Security Blanket
Nothing makes you feel as warm, fuzzy, happy and at ease after a bad day of at work than the thought of coming home and just smashing a few spoonfuls of peanut butter.
Found out your boyfriend has been cheating on you with your best friend? Nothing says goodbye heart-brake like a few mouthfuls straight from the spoon.
Your wife has converted your games room into a nursery? Your marriage is now a 3-way love triangle between you, a pile of toast, and a tub of peanut butter.
13 – You Make Un-Wanted Recommendations When You See Someone Eating Peanut Butter
You’re in the office, and see someone spreading a slither of peanut butter onto their celery stick.
Without concern, you begin to list off a dozen different types of brands and flavours of peanut butters that are better than the one you see them eating.
They stay quiet. Smile & nod, not to encourage you to continue. You continue for another 10 minutes, even going as far as emailing them links to different peanut butters they should try.
You go home feeling accomplished that a good day’s work has been carried out.
14 – You Call Your Significant Other The Peanut Butter to Your Jelly
And hope they return the favour with an actual sandwhich of peanut butter & jelly.
15 – You Become a Peanut Butter Snob
You see someone posting their peanut butter sandwhich on instagram and rather than leaving an awesome comment, you list a dozen other brands you prefer over what they’re having.
16 – You Dont Judge It For Being Healthy…
17 – …Or For Being The Most Indulgent Treat You Can Ever Have – You Just Accept It For What It is.
18 – But It’s Healthy Fats You Tell Yourself…
You justify a peanut butter binge by convincing yourself that you need that amount of healthy fats into your diet.
19 – There’s No Such Thing As a “Bad Time” For Peanut Butter
Breakfast? Spread it on some Toast. Mid-morning snack? Peanut Butter Sandwhich. Lunch? Satay Chicken. Dessert? Peanut Butter Cheesecake. Before Bed? Straight Off the Spoon.
Middle of a drug raid? Tub & Spoon.
20 – You Over Buy (and over-eat)
When you see your favourite peanut butter on sale, or a new flavour on sale, auto-pilot engages. Your brain can’t compute that you’re empty the store shelf, filling your basket and rushing to the counter.
It’s cheap, so you bulk buy. It will last you forever, and save you money… right?
You find yourself with a trash can full of empty peanut butter tubs a few days later, and have to go re-stock.
21 – Your Face When You Discover a New Brand For The First Time
You think you’ve seen it all. Natural Peanut butters, flavoured peanut butters, blends, high protein nut butters, and everything in between.
But then, you see a new brand. A new tub. A new label. You get butterflies in your stomach, the same way you did the first time you saw your soul mate.
Only you get this feeling every time you find a new brand of peanut butter. Needless to say, you hurry to the checkout and buy it a whole hell of a lot quicker than it took to ask your soul mate on your first date.
22 – You’ve Been Known to Eat a Full Tub in 1 Go.. and Regret it Straight After…..
You swear you’ll never do it again… then it happens again.
23 – But You Do it Time & Time Again Anyway… Because Peanut Butter
24 – You Dip Straight Into The Jar
This Peanut Butter is YOUR peanut butter. No one else is eating from it, so why waste your time pouring it into a separate container?
Whether its a pretzel, cracker, biscuit or something else, you dip straight into the tub.
25 – You Argue With Yourself About If Smooth Or Crunchy Is Best
Any “normal” person (see non-peanut butter addict) probably has a preference. My sister hates smooth, and won’t eat it. She needs it crunchy. My fiancee prefers smooth, but still enjoys crunchy.
For a peanut butter addict though, the struggle is real. You’ll begin to explain why smooth is superior to crunchy peanut butter. Only to then 180 mid debate and begin a conflicting argument with yourself as to why crunchy is better than smooth.
Ultimately, you’re left undecided. It doesn’t matter, as you’ll eat either.
26 – Instagram Becomes A Photo Album Of Peanut Butter Bowls
The same goes for your facebook, twitter, pinterest and any other social network you’re part of.
90% of your posts are photo’s of you digging into peanut butter, or new peanut butters you’ve bought.
Your mega peanut butter bowls are accompanied with “LOVE FLEXIBLE DIETING”, “HIGH FAT DAY” or, more appropriately “Forever Bulking”.
Your feed is also full of other photo’s of Peanut Butter, and you think you’re in heaven.
27 – You Dream Of Building A Peanut Butter Business….
After experimenting with making your own peanut butter, you think that if you could jar this up & sell it, you’d be set for life.
28 – And Then You Do
29 – You Convince Your Friends Peanut Butter is the Best Food Ever
You’re sick of getting fed up of people not living life to the fullest, and missing out on Peanut Butter.
You make it your personal vendetta to introduce your friends to the wonderful world of Peanut Butter and all the different kinds they’ve miss out.
It also gives you a peanut butter buddy to share tales of your eating exploits.
30 – You Wish Peanut Butter Was Your Contest Tan
31 – You Lick The Knife
Whether you’re making a peanut butter sandwhich, spreading it over rice cakes, or smothering your breakfast bagel in it, you can’t resist having that little bit extra.
You’ve covered whatever you’re spreading it on following the 2 inch rule from point number 1. You’ve got a serving and then some.
Before you dig into eating your prepared snack however, you dip the knife back into the jar. Scoop enough up so its hanging off and dripping back into the tub, and eat it as your pre-snack snack.
32 – You See Reeses Everywhere
Anytime you see an overly-orange packet in a supermarket, your heart beat goes from 0-60, thinking its a new Reeses product.
You feel utter disappointment when you find out it’s a toffee crisp or packet of munchies.
33 – Your Face When You See Someone Making a Peanut Butter Sandwhich…. Wrongly!
34 – If Subway Sold Peanut Butter Sandwhiches – You’d Eat Lunch Their Every Day
35 – You Don’t Stop At Eating It…..
36 – Your Toastie Machine Is Stained Brown
You can’t just make a regular cheese & been toastie. You need to pack it with Peanut Butter & Jelly, Jam, Honey, and whatever else you want to put in.
Just like when you make your peanut butter sandwhich though, a sandwhich isn’t a true sandwhich unless your peanut butter is oozing out of the sides.
37 – You’ve had Your Finger In The Jar More Than Once
38 – You mix it in with everything
Up there with spreading it over everything, along with making your own, you can’t help but mix your peanut butter into everything possible.
The peanut butter addicts in denial will pretend they don’t know what we mean, but a peanut butter addict who has came to terms with their addiction has a grin on their face, and a dozen different stories on the tip of their tongue about times they’ve mixed it into food.
Bowls of cereal, porridge, casein protein desserts, whey protein sludge – you’ve tried peanut butter in them all.
Some of us may have even tuck a full tub of honey, a full tub of peanut butter, and combined them…. but that’s none of my business.
insert peanut butter oatmeal 1
39 – Any Time Is Peanut Butter Jelly Time
40 – Your Idea Of A Party Is…
41 – You’ve Got a Peanut Butter Addiction & Don’t Hide It
Some addictions are life-threatening, can ruin relationships, and mess your life up pretty bad. Quite often being addicted to something like gambling, alcohol or drugs is something you do everything you can to hide about.
Being a peanut butter addict is the complete opposite of this. You flaunt it, love it & revel in it.
You’re an addict, and don’t want to change.
Are You or a Friend a Peanut Butter Addict?
You might not be able to relate to all of the above 41 points, but chances are, you know someone who can.
How about you share this with them, highlighting out the most relatable point?
If you enjoyed this post then you might enjoy reading some of my peanut butter reviews. You can check out my nuts n more review, myprotein’s natural peanut butter review or check out my Nut Shot Series. Oh – don’t forget about the benefits of almond butter to!
I’d love to hear your peanut butter exploits down in the comments below.
Now please excuse me while I go grab myself a spoon…. it’s feeding time.